Monday, July 31, 2017

Hash Trash 1891

The Hash was hosted by Godfather, Titty Galore, Speedhumper and Aaron at the Lewinsky compound in Taumeasina. It was a warm day for a run, but we got off to a late start so the heat was bearable. The run went out the front and left, with a false trail almost immediately. We backtracked and the trail led along the river bank – because of high tide the water was now up to our knees. Really rather disgusting. We re-joined the trail on the road, which led to another false trail, before the trail was reacquired. A significant run, and we were well met back with Godfather’s cool glistening nuts.

POD as GM announced that this would be a special Hash, as we were going to have a Hash Wedding. At that, the Celebrant – Elvis – actually Eveready, stepped forward and assumed his position at the altar helpfully provided by the Lewinskies. The Bride’s entrance was presaged by Speedhumper, joyfully flinging plastic forks in front of her. Titty G was escorted by Snake, with his “daughter” Chanel acting as the veil carrier.

Elvisready began the proceedings by welcoming the dearly beloved, that we had gathered together to join this Hasher and Hash Mere. And although there had been some milking of the cow through the fence, the King would forgive such trivial sins. Snake was invited to speak, and he talked of the best way to strengthen the family was to keep it in the Hash family. He mentioned that there had been a secret wedding in New Zealand, but that the secret to a happy marriage remains a secret. Elvisready then asked Godfather if he would take Titty G for his awful wedded wife, and more along the same lines. He then asked Titty G if she would take Godfather as her husband, promise to love him when he is cranky, has had too many down-downs, or lost his hearing aid. He added that Godfather would in return promise to put the seat down when he was finished. A ring was produced for Titty G, and a ball and chain for Godfather. By the power vested in him by the City of Las Vegas, Elvisready then pronounced them husband and wife, to loud cheers. He then asked them to chastely kiss, no toungue, and to much cheers he said, you may now have your way with her. The ceremony was finished off with singing and dancing to Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours).

The circle was called to a semblance of order, and those new to Hash were called forward. These were Chanel (Snakebite in drag), Charlie (from Auckland on holiday), Louisa, Lara, Will, Tara (medicos), David from Nigeria (where do I send my money, asked Snake), and Connor (UK).

The retreads were Curly, Pro Boner, Transporter, Cougar, Snip & Tuck, Lexi, Crash Bandicoot, Lowrider and Rottweiler. The GM then called in Pool Boy for not declaring. Shoe Inspector Pool Boy then failed in his inspection.

Celebrity Awards went to Sassygirl BJ (story in the paper about the deliberate release of farmed minks by activists, which all died. Sassy had referred to herself in an email as the Hash Mink). Gayboy accused Lewinsky of investing secretly in Rarotonga as he had found himself in a bar there called On The Rocks.

This Day in History Awards went to Snake (1645 – Qing dynasty regent Dorgon issues an edict ordering all Han Chinese men to shave their forehead and braid the rest of their hair into a queue identical to those of the Manchus), Poumuli (1814 – The Swedish–Norwegian War begins), Il Capo (1866 – Austro-Prussian War: Battle of Lissa: The Austrian Navy, led by Admiral Wilhelm von Tegetthoff, defeats the Italian Navy near the island of Vis in the Adriatic Sea), Cunning Linguist (National Day, celebrates the inauguration of LĂ©opold I, the first king of the Belgians, after its independence from the Netherlands on October 4, 1830), Snakebite (Feast Day of St Margaret the Virgin), Gayboy (International Ratcatcher Day) and Lewinsky (Monica Lewinsky’s birthday).

Warning Snip & Tuck of the leaning rule, the GM reminded her of the story of yellow dress at the yellow house, where Cunning Linguist ripped it off her. Pervert was then caught leaning.
The medicos Charlie and Connor had arrived saying they were friends with Tom, but they must surely be impostors for not running. She went on to remark how in Samoa its usually the youngest who becomes a fa’fa, and this was clearly not the case with Chanel/Snakebite.

Lewinsky then nominated Snake for coming to the rescue and fixing the wiring of the lights, but Poumuli pointed out that Snake had done the original wiring. Snake then nominated Lewinsky for something he would not reveal.

The Hash Monk arrived and started naming. First there was Jessica, who will now be called Happy Bunny. Then there was fighting smackdown Lexi, who will now be known as GBH. Then the excitable under-age Hash Mere Marcella was named Princess Snip, while her smart sister was named Einstein. Aaron for being loud at work but silent at home was called Mute Button, while super flexible Rachel will be known as Bendy.

The Hare and the Hosts were saluted before we sang and ate.
On On
Poumuli, IKA Slit

Monday, July 24, 2017

Hash Trash 1890

The Hash was hosted at the Yellow House up from Giordano’s on Cross Island Road by Ginger Mark. Brutally hot day it was and we were threatened with a long run, but with a river crossing. The run was ostensibly set on flour, but as we soon found out you needed a microscope to see it. The run went down Cross Island Road, and there the front running bastards made a big mistake, dodging cars, and missing the turn to the river. They instead went to the seawall, along and back up via the hospital. The slower ones led by Godfather, actually found the trail and did do a river crossing but took a shortcut back. There were plenty of Godfather’s cool succulent nuts to savour as we awaited the Hash Circle.

POD was GM again, having been in training for her marathon Marathon. She called those new to Hash forward, and they were legion. First there was Simon and Richie  who had been brought by Godfather. Then there was apparently the entire Swinburne Uni from Melbourne.

The retreads were Poumuli (in Bula Land), Snakebite (working), Speedhumper (busy) and Crime (likely at Tafaigata). Shoe Inspector Screamer tried but failed, and was joined by Snake who interfered in her duties (imposting?).

Celebrity Awards went to Mark for Prince (in the paper) and POD and Lewinsky for Marathon story.
This Day in History Awards went to Cockblocker (1938 – Douglas Corrigan takes off from Brooklyn to fly the "wrong way" to Ireland and becomes known as "Wrong Way" Corrigan), the Swinburne All Black (1976 – The opening of the Summer Olympics in Montreal is marred by 25 African teams boycotting the games because of New Zealand's participation. Contrary to rulings by other international sports organizations, the IOC had declined to exclude New Zealand because of their participation in South African sporting events during apartheid), Lewinsky (1998 – A diplomatic conference adopts the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, establishing a permanent international court to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression) and Eveready (Feast Day of St Francis Solanus).

Turning to the run, a Hash Mere had stumbled on the run, and had stopped to wash her hands at the dive shop, and even scored some antiseptic. Screamer was joined by Richie who had a scooter accident on the weekend. He hadn’t hit a dog, he hadn’t hit a pig – he had hit the accelerator! A Road Toast Award to the two of them.

The Host who was also the Hare, had used such a tiny amount of flour that it must have been the most valuable ever. Gold Dust Award to Mark. Latecummer Gayboy was welcomed with a down down.

Snake had been sharing his sob story before the run about ex-rays and pain, when all seriousness aside, the grand conclusion is that he is getting old. Grumpy Old Man Award to Snake. He was joined by Il Capo, who as always was whingeing, but this time was actually sick, yet came to Hash. Dedication to Hash Award.

Opening up for nominations, Snake wanted to thank Lewinsky for not wasting our beer by drinking vodka. Il Capo nominated Jessica for always missing the theme, and she was joined by the Hareraiser Nom Nom for not posting it.

Poumuli nominated CB for forgetting his son’s food, and then poisoning the rest of the kids with his konzentrationslager fumes from his truck. Gayboy nominated Snake for Worst Boss of the Year for sending an employee to fix a gate. Snake said the employee was more skilled so both took the award.
Mark nominated Lewinsky for his support to the ginger people, while Snake nominated Godfather to atone for the deploring state of rugby in Samoa. Lewinsky then nominated POD for breaking the Lalomanu record. She clarified that she had only done so because of Godfather’s pestering, and he was of course proud of her.

Non Nom had been out with Peeping Clam’s gay uncles, when one of them had ordered a vodka tonic, to which the other exclaimed that this is the gayest drink ever. As it is also Lewinsky’s current choice, he joined Peeping Clam.

Il Capo was nominated for leaning and Genora as a latecummer.
Next week will be hosted by Godfather, Titty Galore and Speedhumper at the Lewinsky compound.
On On

Poumuli, IKA Slit